30 November 2008

Do you still remember the first time you start to walk in your life?

I myself cannot remember the first time I try to walk during my early childhood. Mum said the first time I started to walk, I fell down when I played with a basket until my arm dislocated. I was so phobia after that till it takes time for me to start walking again!

Even though I cannot remember anything, but right now it feels like I'm like a baby whose trying to walk. I could feel the feeling of the first time trying to put on the foot on the floor. I'm a bit scared, afraid of the pain. I step down slowly, partially to be exact. It's only 2 weeks after the surgery, but I feel like I've not been walking for years.

Till now, I only step on partially. My left foot entirely feels nothing during the first time I step on the floor. And I fell down! Haha, no wonder babies always fall down when they first start to walk. I feel fresh, young..and realize, actually it is hard to walk. How great that many babies could make it, and you! You also could make it way back when you're a baby.

How wonderful to have back the feeling. The feeling which I cannot even recall back now. But it's great to feel young again :P
It's hard to balance myself, and luckily my right leg do support me much. Very much co-operative :D

Right now I have to challenge the babies. Rapidly doing the physiotherapy, thus I could walk as soon as possible. It's painful, but no pain no gain isn't it?

Past few days I went for my follow up, post-surgery. Open up the surgical sewing, and receive 6 consecutive injections at my left knee at 4 different sides which is too close. It was really different from IV injection. This kind of injections, I have to admit that it were really painful. And the doctor always said like this,

"Ok this one is going to be very painful.." he injects in slowly and repeat, "very painful..a bit more..it's going to be painful.."

That's really good for me to get ready, it's not sort of to psycho the patient to feel painful. (but it really was..terrible!)

And the doctor actually whispered to my mum,

"I'm amazed..all of my patients previously would be crying due to the injections. But could you see her face? So cool and steady! I'm amazed."

And only God knows how painful it was. Hehe. No pain no gain!

p/s: trying to walk with the help of crutches ;)

29 November 2008

Every soul will taste death

Takziah buat teman seperjuangan sewaktu di zaman Golden Days sekolah dulu. Baru sahaja aku menatap wajah ayahmu di kaca TV, dikejutkan pula dengan berita kehilangan beliau.

Inilah hukum 'alam yang tidak pernah tidak setia, tidak pernah terpesong, kematian itu pasti. Dan semestinya tiada ganti, moga Allah beri keteguhan Iman dan kekuatan jiwa menempuh ujianNya, buatmu teman sekeluarga.

Teringat waktu dulu, walaupun beliau merupakan Pengarah Pelajaran Terengganu, namun jiwanya mekar dengan sifat seorang guru, sangat dekat dengan warga pendidik. Semua akan khusyu' mendengar ucapan beliau, dan beliau biasanya berucap tanpa teks!

Malah sewaktu menjadi Timbalan Menteri Pelajaran, beliau tetap memberi ucapan berbentuk Power Point yang sangat jarang dilakukan menteri lain. Kata-kata beliau yang aku ingat hingga hari ini,

"saya bukan menteri, saya adalah guru. Guru mesti melakukan yang terbaik untuk memberi kefahaman dalam penyampaian.."

Moga ruh beliau dirahmati dan berada dalam golongan yang beriman..ameen

"Every soul will taste death, and you will only be given your [full] compensation on the Day of Resurrection. So he who is drawn away from the Fire and admitted to Paradise has attained [his desire]. And what is the life of this world except the enjoyment of delusion."
At Taubah: 185

Berita lanjut

28 November 2008

Who are you in the future?

In many interviews, when people ask me, what did my mum do, I will say, she's now being as the House Manager (read: surirumah tangga). It's simply because I really value my mum, and to think back, who could manage the house and everyone in the house better than our Mums? :D

My Mum before, since early adulthood, work in the plant (read: loji minyak) management team until she get married. She then quit the job to take care of her children. Few years later she involved in the team for early childhood education, guided by NURI. She was then act as the 'Guru Besar' for a kindergarten which she make up with her fellow friends.

After a sufficient time, she quit again, and now she act as a 'consultant' (FOC) in specialized education for kids at young age, be it for babies or kinder garden kids. For me, the knowledge is unique and I always wonder, hoping, Allah panjangkan umur saya supaya sempat teguk segala ilmu tersebut. If blaja skang, it's quite hard as it would be only in theory (well, I don't have kids yet!).

Could you figure out how far my mum has deviated from her initial working field? The same goes to her friends. Came back to Malaysia after degree, and become a housewife :D
I would love to be one..haha.

The story below happened few days ago.

I got a call on my handphone, tertera perkataan "WithHeld"

'Owh bila masa pulak aku ada save nama orang "withHeld neh?'

Angkat telefon.

"Assalamu'alaikum." Salam berjawab. Aku segera regconize suara tersebut.

"Adik, kat mana neh?" tanya 'withHeld' tersebut. Number kakak rupenya. Tibe2 tukar jadi private number kah, asal tak kuar 'no number' je? Heran. Owh, aku tak save rupenya number kakak. Budget memang aku hafal number die jadi aku tak save. Haha. Selama ni tak kuar pun 'withHeld' tuh.

"Ajak ibu datang bakery akak jap. Nak bagi kek birthday ibu."

"Ok, nanti adik bagitau. Bye." Aku nak putuskan talian tapi tak jadi.

"Heh, birthday zaman bile neh? Birthday ibu dah 2 minggu lepas."

"Alah, sukatilah, kek akak wat neh. Saje nak bagi lagi neh." Erk...wateva~ ni mesti sebab suka snagat buat kek

My sister, she graduated from IIU as shari'ah lawyer. But past few months, she open up a bakery. OMG!
Even though she has her own firm, but still her focus is more towards the bakery. Dengan aku-aku sekalik kena duk belajar pasal cakes and cup cakes. Sebab nak support akak ah. Time lapang spend time dengan dia balik kL pergi courses. Also carik-carik pasal decoration dan create aku nye style deco untuk die and etc etc.

After that (kes di atas) she sent me a SMS,

"Sedap tak kek?"

Setiap masa akulah tukang rasa dan tukang komen, haih! GemmOk kalori ah camnih!

Also this one, did you find something?



For people who graduated,
Most of them will be in the field related to their degree courses.
Some of them end up doing other things.
Few of them will be as the full time house manager.

Bear in mind, what we're in right now did not guarrantee what we will be in the future. Our life has been destined by Him. If you do not really love your course currently, please proceed, try to adopt and adapt, somehow you can always deviated later on in life. Or you can always change your course, now! haha, sounds easy! :D
But my friend really did it. He did it! Go and ask him how determine is he.

"Change course anyone?"
Fevret phrase by our Deputy Dean in each of our classes.

and we always anwser


related entry:


26 November 2008

I was trying to make an ordinary miracle

warning: follow up from here, beware, it's going to be a long entry. This entry has a lot of hidden pictures, please click the link I give for clear understanding on my words.

Thanks for your concern and everyone is curious on my sickness. I've told you about the pain here but not the diagnosis.
It is a series of sicknesses. If doctors say when they ask about my medical history,

"banyaknya sakit awak ni..isk3..macam-macam ye.."

Then I would like to tell them,

"saya pun bosan nak cerita, tapi doctor tanya sangat."

Heh, dalam hati je lah. A doctor should not say that way. You're actually depressing the patient.

To recall back a doctor I met last April in my journey to settle down one of the sicknesses I have, he asked about my medical history using these words,

" I know many doctors have asked you about this, and surely dah bosan kan bercerita, but could you please share it with me this time?"

Yes, to have the empathy. To put yourself in the patient's shoes. Full stop.

note: alhamdulillah, that sickness have been eliminated from my life. It is now not as severe as before. - Brain-CSF related problem.

note: Gov hosp.


note: Private hosp.

Then I continue my journey to heal another terrible pain. I was waiting for 2 years for this surgery in government hosp, but my doctor told me there's no need for any surgery and there's so much restriction from the University. Thus, I went to seek consultation in private hosp. during the examination period as it seems to be worsen. And there I learn new term, "shopping doctor".

For my surgery this time, my physician is not just a good doctor, but also generous :D
Dirinya dilengkapi dengan sikap-sikap doktor yang merawat pesakit jasad dan ruhani, and not money-oriented. *Glad

I've had an arthroscopy surgery for Left knee, a diagnostic and therapeutic surgery. The main aim is to repair the meniscus tear and remove the plicae if the need arise. But when I look at the MRI film, actually I cannot locate where's exactly the tear located. And I confirmed my view when the doctor said the same.

One thing in our mind, it is something wrong with the meniscus. No other things (but I don't know if my doctor hide it). Thus, the surgery is aiming to totally remove the terrible pain I've had for few years.

I was relief it would be that way, and for me it's such a miracle, an ordinary miracle. My life without terrible pain at the knee, as when it's in pain, it's not only the pain at the knee, but associated with terrible pain at the ankle and half of the body. I think it's because of the nerve relation.

Usually, I cannot walk normally, I cannot go to class many times, I cannot focus for revision etc2. I'm so much in love with sport activities, but the pain stops me to be so vigorous in it. Even how tough you try to bear with the sickness, but still somehow it would at least affect your daily activities, especially academic.

That's the key point why sick people get depress. The pain is one thing, but the things that affected by the pain, that's much more painful. Trust me. Read here, for further understanding how pain affect daily activities.

The surgery was done last week. Two hours after surgery, the surgeon came in.

"Nothing wrong with the meniscus, but we found a defect on the cartilage, it is very severe."

Doktor sambung lagi
"Very rare. It's laterally, and at a young age like you. We've shaved the defect, but I'm sorry, the pain is still there, but reduced."

"Rasanya this is due to repeated direct impact trauma. We'll administer medications to slow the progression of the defect later on in your life. It's a lifetime pain, please slow down (baca: stop) all heavy activities-not to give extra harm to your injury, ok? You might have another surgery, but later on in your life."

Aku rasa macam ada halilintar sekejap lalu, kalaulah boleh buat efek terkejut macam drama seberang :D tapi muka aku maintain relax ah, kan aku pelakon pentas dunia (:
kebahagiaan hidup kena tarik, sedey gila senanye..orang yang tak suka sport tak faham ah, heh. (no offense ah)

First, I thought I could really do the ordinary miracle, I wanted to live without pain at my knee (knee je dulu sebab pain dekat body parts laen belum pegi heal-kan). It is normal for having no pain, but being able to live normally is a miracle to me. Everyday everytime, the pain is there, not only the knee, but also other parts as I mentioned here.

Second, lain yang diharapkan, lain yang terjadi. Seperti yang telah aku nyatakan di atas. Dan jalanan masih jauh, banyak lagi aku nak guna kaki ni. Pheww..

Third, daripada 3 hari restriction berjalan, dah jadi 3 minggu takleh jalan, depend on crutches and wheelchair untl now. Jatuh, rebah tersungkur, perkara biasa untuk 4-5 hari ini :)

Fourth, daripada sepatutnya tak banyak ubat, jadi bertimbun dalam sehari. Hu, rasa nak muntah pun ada :D one of the medication require me to reduce glucose intake in food, haih..

Fifth...(wei ape gunanya kita duduk mengira segala ketidak-bahagiaan diri). Mari, positifkan minda, legakan hati.

ok, mula.

All this while I've been living with the pain, why couldn't I bear with them for the rest of life. Mungkin aku terfikir dengan usia aku sekarang, jalanan kehidupan aku masih jauh. Banyak lagi nak guna kaki neh. Dan banyak lagi aktiviti yang tak boleh terganggu dengan kesakitan ni. Tapi, dunia ni hanya sementara, entah esok lusa aku dijemput pergi. We never know.

Kita merancang, tapi Allah terlebih dahulu merancang untuk kita. Kita hanya boleh berusaha sebaik mungkin, selebihnya Tuhan yang menentukan kesudahannya. Aku terfikir mungkin semasa pembedahan, doktor sendiri rasa serba salah bila tengok something else rupanya, but they also tried to give the best for the patient's QOL (quality of life). I believe in that.

Aku cukup bernasib baik Tuhan tak bagi ujian lumpuh seluruh badan dan sebagainya. Sekadar defect sebelah kaki, aku dah sangat2 bernasib baik. Aku bersyukur, Tuhan. Cuma ada masa aku agak down. Tika dan saat itu Tuhan, aku harap aku tak menyimpang dari landasanMu. Patients will go back and forth, sometimes the mind is stable, sometimes not, due to the pain, That's normal. Subject Patient Care dan subjek Health Communication banyak membantu aku faham keadaan diri aku. Haha.

To think of what you cannot do is painful, but to think of what you could do is great! Actually there're a lot more awaiting you. Right now, to take care of the remaining ni'mah is essential, aite? Sama jugak bila kita lost one of our family members, hargai sebaiknya mereka yang masih di sisi kita, dan jangan terlalu meratap sayu insan yang dah pergi. Kenangan tetap kekal, sedih itu pasti. Live on your life for people around you.

Tiba-tiba teringat lak..in remembrance of Mak.. -_-"

Kau tahu tak ape aku tengah fikirkan sekarang? Aku rasa aku tengah deviate gila daripada main point sekarang. Haha.

Two days after surgery I try to recall back the so-called repeated direct impact trauma. Yes, sume daripada sukan. Dan satu jugak sebab eksiden tercampak ke jalan dulu. I guess somehow ia menyumbang suara pada hal ini.

Other possible reason, my ankle (distal end fibula tibia) separated 1 cm from its origin, the image is somehow like here, it should be held close together by the ligament. I always fall down due to the condition and as always, my knee will kiss the ground first ;)
Sebab knee begitu sejak 7 tahun lepas, thus I've been living with this since a year ago..

23 hours at my ankle for the first 5 months, irritating. The next 7 months, rarely been used. If you knock it, the sound is like you knock the door ;) I cannot wear sandals and shoes if I wear this, and only scholl won't give harm to the leg, haih..

Bila berjalan, teman suka usik,
"kaki as saje dah beratus, ankle brace beratus, slipper beratus..nak rompak ah kaki as..haha."
Teman, aku sabar jelah. Haih. Bukan aku pinta segala susah nih, aku suka bata lebih daripada yang len. Aku rasa korang leh try pakai brace tu tengok apa rasa, nak cuba? :P
Heh, aku tau korang maen2 je :D

Tulah yang aku rasa penyebabnye. People will always find the reasons for things that happen, either as hikmah or as real reason. The real reason will help others not to fall on the same condition, while hikmah will always help us to feel better and be grateful to Allah. Pendek kata, supaya rasa redha lah. Haha, sounds easy aite? Huu..

To slow the progression and to ease the pain throughout life, I will be dependent on injections, medications, physiotherapy and most crucial part, no heavy activities. Yeah!
Ok, nampaknya aku kena sabar (erk..sabar? :D )

I was trying to make an ordinary miracle, but it doesn't happen, maybe God wants me to stay...

note: terima kasih atas kesabaran membaca sampai sini. Moga ada nilai2 berguna.

24 November 2008

Which one will you go for

in this world, few people find their true calling
for everyone, more or less, it is unjust
but what will you do then
will you stay there and rot
will you work hard to turn it into something positive
or will you look for some place else

for me

if I have another option
which is better
I will go for it

if I didn't have any other options
it is a matter of adopting things
before I try to adapt with it

Adopt and Adapt
to be applied in life
if not
you won't live this life to the fullest

do you believe me?


22 November 2008

Your cell phone is not dangerous

For me, it is kind of an old issue. I once did some research on this when there's a request for me to write an article on 'did cell phone damage the ears?' in our faculty yearly magazine. But few days ago I came across an article entitle 'telefon bimbit lebih banyak membunuh daripada merokok'. I was shocked, is it that dangerous? I will share with you some simple points for clear understanding, inshaAllah.

My reference would be the articles from official organizations:


People believe cell phones would lead to cancer due to the electromagnetic energy (EM) which been emitted.

Why is it impossible to affect human health?

I behold on these points:

1. As the concern on this matter been raised since long time ago, many organizations did some research and they found no scientific evidence to prove that cell phone will lead to cancer. You can try to google with keywords 'cell phone radiation', 'mobile phone radiation' and etc etc. All the best.

2. Cell phones operate in a low EM energy level, also in a frequency range which is classified as non-inonizing radiation and it would not harm human as other ionizing radiation such as x-ray.

3. As far as i'm concern, from the radiofrequency (RF), only heat will penetrate out body. Thus, try to avoid talking too long on the phone as the heat will expand your blood vessel, resulting in headache. If you still wanted to do so, use headphone to avoid the heat. Ok?

4. From what I learned in my field, radiation dose increase as distance became closer. But for this case, even the cell phone is right at the skull area, it won't harm human. As the key point is, it is non-ionizing radiation which has not enough energy to remove electrons from the outer shell of an atom. Means, it cannot give biological damage to human. Arasto?

5. Brain cancer sufferer is not only from those using cell phones, but also those who didn't.

Interesting fact

In a research, they exposed subjects to the RF signals. No change in anything like spatial memory etc, but they found a standout observation.
>>The participants were actually able to make choices more quickly in one visual test when they were exposed to the signals :D


If you still aware on this issue, you can always google to find out some ideas to reduce the RF (even though it did not give bio effects). Research is still ongoing from time to time, yet still they cannot prove it. Thus, worry not to use your mobile phone, but of course not too exessive ;)

"O you who believe! If a rebellious evil person comes to you with a news, verify it, lest you harm people in ignorance, and afterwards you become regretful to what you have done."
[al hujurat: 6]

take care frens :)

p/s: er, merokok sah2 akan dapat lung cancer, tapi cell phone takde prove lagi. Instead masih ramai merokok jugak :D

21 November 2008

Budak Kuat semangat

Itu yang seisi hospital panggil daku
dan itu yang mereka kerap ulang
my surgeon
dan keluarga pesakit laen :D

"pakcik tgk adik ni kuat betul semangat." - pakcik jaga akak bilik sebelah

"Hasanah..to start walking again, kena kuat semangat ye, even to bend your leg." - Surgeon

dan lain2 lah semua perkataan 'kuat semangat'
i wonder why semua konsep yang sama
but somehow it is good

After surgery
it was a hard time
for you to pray
for you to take care of yourself on your own

unlike other patients yang undergo surgery on the same day with me
I've never cried due to the pain
I've never request for pain killer injections
I've never said I'm in pain
even though nurses and and doctor asked many times
I just replied with a smile
until my doctor turn up to other people and asked,

"Dia ada cakap tak dia sakit?"

"She mentioned nothing about pain."

Cuma sekali aku menitiskan airmata kerana sakit
tika doctor cabut radivac drainage dari dalam luka aku
(nota: radivac= satu benda hanging pada body part region yang undergo surgery untuk drain kan blood..
berbentuk silinder kecik disambung dengan wayar ke dalam isi badan, cara mencabut, tarik aje dari dalam isi badan, aku try google, takde gambar yang betul)

sekadar menitiskan airmata
tanpa menyebut, 'sakit'
dan bila doctor tanya 'hasanah, sakit ke...hasanah..sakit ke..'
aku hanya senyum dalam airmata :)

Aku menangis
when it comes to perform solah
"Ya Allah, permudahkan aku untuk taat kepadaMu...permudahkan aku"
terutama hari-hari awal selepas surgery
nanti boleh aku kongsikan bagaimana aku overcome
walaupun dalam kepayahan
keyakinan itu penting selepas usaha sebaik mungkin

There is a saying,

"kegembiraan akan bertambah bila kita berkongsi,
kesakitan juga akan berkurang bila kita berkongsi dengan orang lain."

Baiklah, aku berkongsi senyuman :)

Ramai yang telefon, sama ada aku angkat atau tidak je
Tidak itu hanya apabila aku tak sempat angkat
kerana I'm currently disable
tak boleh macam selalu bangun dan berlari angkat telefon
jadi, kebanyakan SMS aku berbunyi (baca: bertaip) begini,

"Sorry tak angkat, tak sempat capai telefon"

Maka teman, harap faham ye :)

aku tak update blog sebab
I currently cannot seat properly to type something
dan aku dah macam baby
fenomena hampir kepada somnolence
sebab asyik dengan ubat bertimbun
tapi ramai yang bertanya
jadi aku update jugak

Thus, inshaAllah I will explain to you sooner or later
detailed on my condition, currently
for education purposes
and of course
untuk perkongsian jalanan kehidupan
jadi panduan dan pengetahuan
yang bukan berunsurkan rungutan
atau tagihkan kesian-simpati teman

teman, jika kamu rasa blog ini tidak memberi manfaat
malah sekadar seperti tempat meluah rasa
aku fikir
kamu patut bagitau aku
supaya aku boleh terus menutup jalan yang boleh bawa aku kepada kelalaian
jadi kamu takkan terheret sama, ok?

Terima kasih atas doa dan harapan
directly or indirectly
secara sembunyi atau tampak
sekarang mungkin boleh doakan
after-surgery-pain daku berkurang
syukran ;)

p/s: aku tak berpantang langsung sebab aku tak reti :D

18 November 2008

Teman, doakan :)

Walaupun aku sangat bosan mulanya sebab duduk sorang-sorang, tapi kehidupan macam sedikit lively bila jiran bilik sebelah datang visit. Dan malam semalam aku pergi room to room :D Diorang suka lepak depan bilik aku sebab ada sofa (:

Macam biasa masuk hospital, akan jadi macam member. Sementara aku masih boleh berjalan lagi sebelum terlantar selepas surgery ;) Sejak masuk, BP (tekanan darah) aku yang sedia rendah jadi makin turun makin turun makin turun.

"Adik jaga sape?"
Soklan fevret mereka. Aku senyum dan menyatakan hal sebenar.

"Adik sekolah kat mana?"

"sekolah kat uia.."sambil senyum lagi.

"Owh, ye ke..nampak macam budak2 lagi muka, macam Form 4 Form 5."

Ngah3..aku pun sume orang kat sini aku panggil akak :P

Kalau pergi tempat laen, sume orang suka panggil aku akak. Be it a petrol station, Watson, bookstore and etc. Lagi seronok bila dipanggil kakak, rasa selamat :D Tu petanda aku dah makin tua ah. Makin bertambah usia, walaupun masih young adult.

Bila dah masuk dunia adulthood ni, macam-macam yang lebih serious perlu difikirkan dengan lebih dalam. Bukan tidak difikir sewaktu remaja, cuma tidak mendalam. Kalau kau rasa kau dah masuk dunia adulthood dan masih bersuka-sukaan semata-mataan, kau perlu risau aku rasa.

"Bile tah nak pegi daftar mengundi ni." Aku cakap pada Mawar Merah.


"Yelah, dah kena pergi daftar neh."

"a'ah la As. Kita dah bertanggungjawab pada negara dah skang." Ceh, ayat skema Mawar Merah tak-leh-blah. Hehe.

Kau dah daftar mengundi belum? Aku baru beberapa bulan layak, tapi cubaan untuk mendaftar masih gagal. Ape tah masalah pejabat pos tuh. Heh. Aku fikir umur 20 tahun dah boleh dibenarkan mengundi dah, rasanya tika itu sudah boleh berfikir dengan matang, mungkin. Sebab ia bergantung kepada individu itu sendiri.

Kau bertanggungjawab menentukan pimpinan dan hala tuju negara. Kalau sekarang bukan kau yang sama-sama berfikir mengenai negara baik dari segi ekonomi, politik, pembangunan dan sebagainya, maka jangan harap generasi muda sekarang mampu untuk menentukan hala tuju negara pada masa akan datang.

Jika semua pemuda pemudi fikir untuk bersuka riang-ria-di-hari-raya pada hari ini, kamu semua nak tunggu sampai bila baru nak beratkan kepala dengan hal-hal orang dewasa? Jangan tunggu sampai kau kena gerakkan sesuatu, dan pada masa itu baru kau bertatih-tatih hendak belajar. Rugi! Rugi pada diri kau sendiri, dan negara pun rugi.

Owh aku macam agak emosi.

Dulu sewaktu zaman aku muda-muda (walaupun sekarang masih muda), aku biasa kembara seorang diri dengan besi-terbang (baca: airplane). Biasanya makcik pakcik akak yang duk sebelah suka sembang dengan aku yang kononnya masih kecik. Dan biasalah, aku jadi special sikit :D

Biasanya bila passenger boleh turun dari plane, aku tunggu dulu biar semua turun. Aku malas nak berebut dengan orang. Biasanya sape-sape yang seat sebelah aku akan cakap,
"bagus budak ni, tak pergi berebut turun pun, ni mesti sebab belajar luar dari Terengganu."

Owh, banyak lah. Boleh pulak sebabnya begitu. Padahal, aku memang sedia macam tu. Aku rasa kau pun sama. Buat apa susah-susah pergi sama-sama berserabut dengan orang yang nak turun. Kan? Aku rasa mereka yang pesimis sikit kot. Itu bukan bermakna aku bagus atau mereka yang turun cepat-cepat tak bagus. Entah-entah mereka ade kerja yang perlu cepat.

Ah, sudah. Apehal isu warded jadi isu lain neh. Heh.

Teman, jika kau baca ini. Walaupun aku tak bagitau kau directly, aku harap kau boleh doakan surgery aku berjalan dengan baik dan lancar. Aku agak risau keadaan aku selepas surgery, jadi kau doakan lah aku baik-baik aje okay?

nota: Aku tunggu dua budak kurus datang petang karang. Budak kurus satu, budak kurus dua.

16 November 2008

Radiotherapy, kenapa kena buat berulang kali II

Pape hal, sila baca sini dulu
--> Radiotherapy, my perspective I

ok sambung dalam bahasa layman, supaya semua umat sejagat di negara2 berbahasa melayu faham, barulah bermakna sket ilmu. Pasal pasal pape pun, biasanya website English yang lebih informatif dan selesa baca. Haih.

layman = To put something in layman’s terms is to describe a complex or technical issue using words and terms that the average individual (someone without professional training in the subject area) can understand, so that they may comprehend the issue to some degree.

susah jugak nak susun kata jadi bahasa camni, lebey senang mengarang dalam exam, guna bahasa sains. heh~


ok, kenapa pesakit kanser yang menerima rawatan radiotherapy perlu datang berulang kali. Banyak pendapat berdasarkan bidang masing-masing dan di sini hanya diterangkan salah satu daripada sebab-sebab tersebut. Sebab ni je yang dipelajari selaku bukan pelajar perubatan, iaitu kaitan radiotherapy dan reoxygenation.

Reference: Eric J Hall (2000), Radiobiology for the Radiologist

Radiotherapy biasanya menggunakan radiation sama ada sinar X atau sinar gamma. Ada jugak sekarang dipanggil neutron radiotherapy, sebab bagi kesan yang lebih pada cancer cells. Maka side effects die lebih severe daripada conventional radiotherapy.

Untuk radiation memusnahkan human cells, oksigen mesti presence pada cells. Bila ada oksigen, barulah semua reactions boleh berlaku yang akhirnya membebaskan free radicals untuk memusnahkan cells.

Bila kepekatan oksigen meningkat, maka makin sensitif cells pada sinar radiasi. Ada patient, cancer cells die jenis yang memang macam takde langsung kepekatan oksigen (hypoxic cells), ini yang menyebabkan radiotherapy susah nak jadi efektif. Bila dah macam ni kita akan gunakan neutron radiotherapy.

figure1: reoxygenation

Gambar rajah kat atas ni, bulatan yang atas sekali belah kiri menunjukkan tumour cell yang mempunyai bahagian ber-oksigen (aerated --> gray) dan takde oksigen (hypoxic--> black). Lepas radiotherapy, aerated area akan musnah dan tinggal hypoxic area je yang seterusnya akan melalui proses reoxygenation (proses bg hypoxic cells untuk menghasilkan aerated area ada semula).

Untuk cell ade oksigen semula, kita akan mintak die balik dulu then datang semula pada tempoh masa tertentu. Proses tu akan berulang-ulang sampailah tumour cells terhapus sepenuhnya. Sebab tulah kena banyak kali buat radiotherapy, tak jadi pape jika buat sekali dua je. Faham takat tu?

Jadi, macam mana kita nak pastikan cell tu da ada oksigen semula?

Untuk sesetengah patient, kita akan implant-kan sejenis electrode kat tumour area untuk measure oxygen concentration. Ini digunakan sebelum rawatan. Tapi, hypoxic cells ni kadang2 jadi indikasi yang tumour tu makin aggresive sebenanrya. -_-"

Status oksigen dalam tumour cells, die tak static sentiasa berubah-ubah. Ada sesetengah tumour cells proses reoxygenation ni berlaku dengan rapid, dan ada yang tak. Jadi mereka simpulkan patient yang tak terkesan dengan rawatan radiotherapy adalah patient yang tumour cell-nya tak rapidly undergo reoxygenation.

ok, skang da faham kan kenapa kena berulang kali jalani rawatan radiotherapy daripada perspektif ni.

Macam mana pulak dengan side effect radiotherapy memandangkan sinar radiasi ni die bukan tau mana satu tumour cells mana satu normal cells. Die tibai je musnahkan semua sekali. Yang ni ada rumour mengatakan normal cell boleh repair semula tapi tumour cell takleh repair diri die, jadi sebab tu tak teruk kesan die pada manusia.

Tapi takpe, jangan berpegang lagi yang tu. Di lain siaran akan dikongsi pulak camane oncologist a.k.a therapeutic radiographer atasi masalah ni bersama-sama dengan doctor dan pharmacist. :D

Remember: Bukan semua benda doktor tahu, bukan semua benda pharmacist tahu dan seterusnya. Ia bergantung pada bidang masing-masing. Bila dah klasifikasikan betul-betul, kita akan nampak betapa limit-nya kerja-kerja doktor sebenarnya sebab sama level dengan doktor ada ramai healthcare personnel yang arif bidang masing-masing.

Nilah yang dipraktikkan di private hospitals. Masa nilah akan nampak indahnya teamwork dalam healthcare team jika semua kerja diberi pada yang berhak, yang lebih mengetahui bidang masing-masing. Sebab tu cam agak hampeh tengok citer house MD. Semua benda doktor buat dan sangat tak logik :D Jadi kalau macam tu, ape gunanya ada pegawai biomedic, biotech, radiographers etc..

Dalam House MD, apa yang healthcare personnel yang lain belajar selama 4 tahun semua doktor boleh buat, macam termasuk sekali 4 tahun tu dalam 5 tahun pembelajaran mereka, itu satu mind-setting yang tak bagus diserapkan oleh media kepada masyarakat yang memandang semua benda doktor je lebih tahu. Kat Malaysia ni jika klasifikasikan betul-betul bidang kerja dalam KKM (kementerian kesihatan Msia), takdelah penat sangat semua benda doktor kena buat. Aite?

Kat hospital kerajaan masih belum wujud jawatan radiographer U41 sebab my course pun KKM belum approve which means, I cannot work in government hospital yet. So do our seniors yang newly grad last April. They are all over Malaysia working in private sectors, be it as a lecturer in private colleges or radiographers in private hospitals. I'm looking forward for the accreditation from JPA (:

ok, jumpa lagi lain siaran pada waktu dan hari yang berlainan, tempat tetap sama ok!

yang benar,
penyampai radioIIUM.fm :D

14 November 2008

About the writer: Her-story

The 15 facts tagged by MNM on Oct 18

1. My first food in my life is Nestum, at the age of 2-3 months. Mum did give me milk but I'm so hungry where milk is not enough and only stop crying when mum gave me Nestum, which then cause great harm to my intestine until now. I understand that mum just cannot stand seeing me starving.

2. I started my education since I know how to lie prone when I was an infant. I read newspaper smoothly since 3.5 years old, with phonetic system of reading taught by mum. I feel weird with myself when I read the newspaper because I only read them and did not understand what the world is about. That time I'm only 4 years old, man! How could I understand.

3. When I'm 5 y/old, I cannot follow the way teacher taught us to read in kinder garden.
Teacher taught us in this way, B (bi) U (you) = bu, K (kay) U (you) = KU
When been asked to read, I will just read through the words without mentioning the alphabets. And teacher scolded me for that, before mum explained to them.

4. I was really bored in kinder garden and standard 1. This is the period where everyone is learning on how to read.
"Ibu, nape adik kena pegi sekolah, adik kan da pandai baca.."
Mum did explain well to me why I need to go to school after I gave her this question.

5. Started to be sent to the hospital in an emergency condition since kindergarten. Hospital is my second house.

6. In the middle of Standard 1, I started to give many excuses for not going to school. Bored to death.

7. I always have severe gastric since childhood, due to the number One stated earlier. I used not to consume food enriched with acid such as orange and all unripe food . With that reason, my tongue cannot tolerate with sour tasted food anymore. ~ sikit je masam, dah rasa sangat-sangat masam!

8. For the first 3 years in primary school, the worst place I will get in education is number 3. The next 5 years I maintain to be among the excellence students and known to be among the student's leaders.

9. I used to walk alone in kL since 13 y/old using the public transportation (esp LRT for safety) when parents and siblings were busy with their works.

10. In the beginning of Form 3, my academic drop down tremendously when 'Mak' left us due to carcinoma (Ca). Few months later, I woke up again to gain straight A's in PMR as what I promised to 'Mak' few days before she left us on Feb 19, on Arafah Day in Mekah -_-"

11. I begin to know government hospital only when SJMC transferred me to them end of Form 3. Sticked to them for almost 6 years before I'm back to private hosp now.

12. Form 4 and Form 5, my golden days. But also a nightmare. Heh. But I used to behold on the golden rather than the nightmare. It was also a period where I started my fight with the terrible sickness, then academically drop due to the sickness, but teachers and friends gave me more responsibility for leadership. -_-" I remain the same until now.

13. I love the green colour of the apple, but I really cannot tolerate with its sour taste. I love the white colour of the milk, but I have lactose intolerance. Preferable to brown in colour for clothes and black for my properties. Cannot tolerate with pink, if it was a gift from someone, I must accept and use it. Out of all, green is the colour of paradise ;)

14. Back before admission to Kuantan Campus,
"Suka kalau dapat tengok die makan berselera mcm orang lain." - Candlesky
"Susah nak tengok die tido, kalau tido maknanya sakit sangat la tuh." - zaty

Tapi lepas masuk Kuantan, lebih berselera makan dan dah boleh mula tido atas katil puteri best (katil almost sama level dengan tinggi meja study)
Before admission to Kuantan Campus, the heaviest I could reach is 42kg. And now it's reaching 49kg :D normal BMI no more underweight

15. If most of women could not read maps, I'm not. If most of women easily forgot the direction, I'm not. If most of women love shopping, I'm totally not. If most of women love pink, I'm not. If most of women sat together and starts gossiping, we're not (we talk about healthy diet, medical, academic, works, discussion on behavior, world today, politics, news etc ;P ). The list will grow longer :D

The list above is about me, from childhood until now. For us to ponder, you could see how success I am since kid, but I'm slowly dropped when I grow older, especially in academic due to the sickness.

Our childhood & school-hood (if ever the term existed) would not determine who were we to be in the future which is now. We plan our life, but Allah has planned everything earlier before in Luh Mahfuz, but indeed there are some which we could change by our own hands.

We could make up a study plan for a week, but Allah determined whether it is to be accomplished or not. Certain people failed due to the tests He gave such as fever, sickness and bad news. For some people they failed because of their own hands. Laze around, playing games excessively and etc.

dear friends and to me myself, pleas do take advantage of FIVE matters before FIVE other matters.
1. your youth, before you become old
2. your health, before you fall sick
3. your richness, before you become poor
4. your free time before you become busy
5. your life, before your death

pergi baca sini untuk bacaan lanjut, suggested reading kamu takkan menyesal baca ;)
lain kali daku garap version daku mengenai 5 before five kerana entry ini sudah sedia terlalu panjang. Sekian.

13 November 2008

Apa makna cuti?

apa makna cuti bagi korang
qadha tido qadha rehat?
jangan biar minda kamu
jadi blunt
sebab hanya bermalas-malasan time cuti
asahla dengan membaca ke ape ke
qadha la apa yang tak dapat utilize time sebok blaja

baca qur'an lebih sket
membaca pape
pegi jalan-jalan tgk 'alam
tolong mak ayah
baca balik pe yang tak faham blaja

wat ah sambil-sambil
takyah a devote pada benda-benda tersebut sesungguhnya
dan jangan ah abaikan jugak
sedang sedang suda
nanti sama-sama kita wat inshaAllah

Berakhir satu semester
Kali ni aku rasa macam sekelip mata je tamat
membawa 11 subjek
macam hape je belajar dengan laju dan pack
cuti ni siyes
kena qadha segala perkara
yang tak sempat utilize time sebok belajar

sekelip mata je
rasa baru seminggu masuk sem
tibe-tibe dah habis
asal eh rasa cam kilat :-?

semua orang dah balik
tinggal aku sorang
macam biasa
perlu buat treatment
dan takleh balik sampai hari surgery
tapi aku rasa cam nak balik je

fikir pasal cuti
aku akan immobilize lepas surgery
untuk masa yang lama
aku akan susahkan semua orang
segala perkara kena dependant pada others
ia sukar bagi aku
yang memang aktif neh :P

berserabai rasa if fikir
banyak benda aku rasa nak buat
sebelum surgery
walaupun masa sangat singkat
sebelum aku regret nanti

ok tenang-tenang
susah bukan selamanya

ni kire officially aku inform pasal surgery aku
tamau nanti ada yang bising-bising
sebab aku tak bitau
macam april lepas
so kalau kamu baca atau tak baca entry ni
kira nasib ah
sorry ye teman-teman

till then ;)

11 November 2008

Radiotherapy, kenapa kena buat banyak kali?

Mengenai janji di sini, maka aku sambung.

Pernah pensyarah kami berpesan.

"Explain to the patients with the most beautiful words on why they need to undergo the radiotherapy treatment again and again. Why they need to come again and again for a certain period of time."

Beliau sambung,

"Explain with a smile, for them to understand.Care for them to the utmost of your capability."


"Mungkin hidup kita baik, sebab barakah do'a orang lain pada kita. Do'a mereka pada orang-orang yang pernah buat baik pada mereka. Termasuklah mereka-mereka yang pernah dapat service (kesihatan) yang baik daripada kita."

Aku diam. Imbas semula zaman-zaman aku posting kat hospital Jun lepas. Imbas kembali camne aku dengan patient. Macam-macam gaya ada.

"Cells always undergo reoxygenation. That is why radiotherapy is applicable to trear cancer. Kita yang tahu ni, kena lebih menghargai hidup lebih daripada mereka yang tak tahu pasal reoxygenation."


Aku just nak explain kenapa radiotherapy kena ulang buat banyak kali. Aku akan guna bahasa yang agak-agak para mahasiswa boleh faham. Jadi menjadi tanggungjawab kamu untuk sebarkan pada ahli keluarga dan sesiapa yang berkaitan.

Er..orang lain pun boleh je baca dan sampaikan. Aku bimbang bahasa aku tak kena dengan bahasa layman, tapi aku akan cuba.

Based on apa yang aku faham sebelum aku belajar pasal radiotherapy ni dalam satu subjek tersebut, radiation boleh matikan cell cancer tapi takkan matikan cells lain dalam badan. Sebab tu they apply radiotherapy.

And one more fact that I know, if radiotherapy were to be applied on a patient without any surgery done before the treatment, means, the cancer is actually cannot be treated. Doktor sekadar nak panjangkan prognosis (progress of disease) je, kira panjangkan hayat ah (with God's will). Only surgery could remove cancer cells, and radiotherapy done after surgery to reduce the chance of the cancer coming back after surgery.

Itu dua fakta yang aku belum kaji, dan jika kamu tahu fakta di atas sahih atau tak, sila beritahu aku ye. Tq.

Dan bila aku mula belajar sikit pasal radiotherapy, takde touch langsung mengenai dua isu ini. Dan aku terlalu asyik belajar dengan lencturer tersebut sampai lupa nak tanya pasal benda-benda ni. Memang, lecturer itu mengasyikkan kami!

Ok, nanti aku share apa yang aku belajar termasuk pasal reoxygenation tadi dan kaitan dengan radiotherapy.

[will be updated later.. -_-"]

9 November 2008

kisah-kisah teladan aku. Do not try this at home.

Kisah 1

Mula-mula aku ingin tamatkan kisah saman semester ini, saman pertama.
Usai kertas Fiqah dan Etika dalam Islam 30 haribulan yang lepas, keluar sahaja dari Dewan Peperiksaan, aku mendapat panggilan daripada pihak pengurusan hostel menyatakan saman itu telah dibatalkan.

"Pesan kat kawan yang dah bayar, duit tak boleh dikembalikan."

Aku masih tidak mencari sebab kenapa, sebab cerita je pasal segala saman mesti teman-teman bengang dengan saman liar (nonsense).
Aku pulak bukan sengaja masih belum bayar saman tersebut, tidak menunggu ia dimansuhkan, tapi dek kerana dua sebab di bawah:
1. Aku asyik lupa aku perlu membayar saman.
2. Aku lupa di mana aku letakkan surat saman. (tau je tapi sengaja jadi lupa)

Dan bukan sebab aku rajin menunggu saman tersebut dimansuhkan. Tapi bersyukur itu wajib, ok!

Kisah 2

Sejak seminggu ini, aku hanya boleh optimasikan penggunaan tangan untuk menulis dalam peperiksaan hanya untuk sejam pertama sahaja, selebihnya aku terpaksa memaksa tangan menulis dengan kadar perlahan dan terhenti-henti.

Usai kertas Fizik Radiasi 2 Jumaat lepas, tika aku dan teman-teman menunggu lif untuk turun, tiba-tiba aku bersuara,

"Nak jumpa DDSA jap." dan berpaling pergi tika lif terbuka.

Kukuak pintu bilik beliau,

"Madam..." aku tidak terkata-kata.

"Yes, Hasanah. What happened?" Beliau pandang seraut wajah aku dan aku menatap beliau penuh makna.

Aku pasti beliau faham kenapa aku datang.

"Mdm, I got 3 consecutive papers starting today..could you please do something to ease my pain?"

Beliau tarik nafas dalam. Bangun dan cakap,

"Okay, come! But it is only will help you for a very short period."

Aku angguk, faham. Habis lama pun, sehari.

Setiap kali terapi, dengan beliau atau di hospital, aku pasti menangis kesakitan :) Kadang-kadang rasa fobia, tapi tanpa pengorbanan, tiada hasil. Itu pasti! Aku budak tough kan :D

Kisah 3

9 papers all out, serasa dalam mimpi!
Tinggal satu lagi paper keramat yang sangat keramat. Presentation esok agak menyeramkan kami semua, walaupun sebelum ini aku belum pernah rasa seram. Tapi dengan DDAA pasti seram ;P
Heh, sape yang tahu kenapa, baguslah.

Aku yakin sekarang majoriti sedang hadapi kertas-kertas akhir. Semua sedang berjuang menghabiskan peperiksaan. Namun, perjuangan tu takkan berakhir selagi mana jasad belum terpisah dengan ruh.

"Exam petang ni, tapi baca nota tak habis-habis lagi."
- Prof. Popia Elektrik

Dalam kajian aku menyatakan bahawa, tidak kira berapa lama masa yang diberi untuk mengulang kaji, namun pasti kamu takkan habis-habis baca nota selagi belum masuk dewan periksa. Heh!

Related entry: Berkenaan entri semalam

nota: DDSA (deputy dean students' affairs), beliau merangkap HOD (Head of Dept.) Physiotherapy. DDAA (deputy dean academic affairs).

8 November 2008

Exam, so aktiviti kena stop?

Aku tak rasa kalau exam, aktiviti lain kena stop, atau slow down.

Ini yang aku fikir dan amalkan ah.

Yang pasti ada satu benda kena increase, revision rate.

Aku exam, tapi aku still keluar berfoya-foya. Aku exam, tapi masih update blog. Aku exam, tapi masih rapid jenguk hospital. Aku dan dia berkongsi satu pemikiran yang sama, kami akan keluar bila ada masa yang kami fikir, duduk kat bilik pun belum tentu revise. Waktu-waktu tertentulah, regardless esok exam atau tak.

Perhatian, tak hairan kalau aku ada 5-6 subjek je untuk exam kalau aku buat camni. Tapi 10 subjek. Hari ni pun dah yang ke-8. Macam mimpi je dah habis 8, ni pun aku baru kira dalam exam hall tadi. Hari ni pun Mawar Merah cakap aku mabuk tarikh dan hari. Aku cuma ingat bile aku kena pergi exam, bukan tarikh dan hari :D

"Hari ni Sabtu lah." Candlesky.

"Eh, hari ni Jumaat la." As Bob.

"Sabtu la As." Mawar Merah.

"Dah tu kenapa dekat calendar hari ni 7th dan hari jumaat." As Bob.

"Memangla, sebab hari ni 8th. Calendar tu da betul dah." Candlesky.

Aku blur.

"Awak ni mabuk hari la As." Mawar Merah.

Haha. Sampai masuk exam hall aku masih blur. Berjalan masuk menuju ke tempat biasa. Pastu cuak tengok atas meja semua orang ada 4 answer books yang berlainan warna.

"Ya Allah, banyaknya essay. Microb je pun.." Aku terdengar ramai cakap camtu. Boleh predict.

Erm, sila jawab jelah. Kan?


6 November 2008

Sila pergi belajar, ok!

Dua hari lepas, selepas keluar awal paper Biochems, semalam aku keluar awal lagi.
Kalau agak-agak nak tahu berapa laju aku dan dia boleh menulis dalam exam semalam, baca kat sini. Terima kasih teman, sebab kejar aku.

Sampaikan teman-teman lain bicara begini:

"Kesian kat As keluar awal, mesti sebab tangan die sakit." -teman dari Diet/2.

Walaupun mungkin betul, aku suka fight dengan sakit berbanding mengalah :D

Erm..merujuk kepada komenan teman-teman di entri ini, aku rasa semua orang ada sebab masing-masing bila keluar awal dari exam hall. Aku pun tak suka keluar awal melainkan bersebab.

Dan semalam aku keluar awal sebab, aku kejar doktor yang nak masuk OT (operation theatre). Bile dah set kat mind, aku kena jawab 4 soalan essay (dengan dua anak-anak) dalam masa sejam suku, maka sepuluh minit pertama tuh dah penuh satu muka surat aku jawab essay. Memang kena ade something yang trigger kita kalau nak efektif atau cepat.

Kita, manusia, normal. Banyak benda yang kita suka tangguh-tangguh. Bile ade sesuatu yang menggesa atau menggalakkan kita, barulah kita rasa perlu bersungguh-sungguh dan bersegera. Terutama bagi mereka yang rasa punya banyak masa. Kadang kesedaran tu ada, tapi untuk menggerak-mulakan kerja itu ambil masa pulak. Kadang tak tergerak pun hinggalah sampai saat genting.

Itu majoriti, tapi bukan semua orang begitu.

Masa aku banyak habis pada sakit, banyak habis di hospital di kala teman-teman berehat atau belajar. Sebab itu aku suka untuk berpesan pada diri aku dan kamu, ingat LIMA sebelum LIMA. Aku suka segerakan sesuatu waktu sakit aku berkurang, aku selalu bimbang nanti dah mula sakit dasyat aku akan terlantar je, maka baik aku buat. Walaupun tak semua pun sempat diawalkan dengan sebab jadual padat, namun akan tetap mampu habiskan sebelum masa akhir. Itu aku sangat bersyukur pada Tuhan walau dalam kepayahan (:

When Allah brings you to it, Allah will bring you through it. Heh. Aku sendiri pun ada masa-masa aku akan go back and forth dengan acceptance aku pada kesakitan, itu normal. Kita semua perlu masa bila kita hadapi sesuatu yang berat, but it depends.

Time. Masa. Allah bersumpah dengan waktu.

Demi waktu!

Heh, aku nak ingatkan diri aku, sila pergi sambung belajar, esok lusa tulat paper berderet. Sila, ok. Sikit punya lembut dah ni :D

SIla sila siLa

nota: Semoga Allah panjangkan umur ibu untuk melihat kejayaan dan kesehatan aku. Ameen. Selamat hari lahir, Ibu!

4 November 2008

Trigger ke Promoter? confused..

Paper biochemistry.
Aku tamau confused kan diri, maka soalan essay aku jawab sekali lalu tanpa ulang baca
Solan true false lagi best..hitamkan je :D

maka 10.23am aku angkat kaki langkah keluar exam hall malas nak berlawan dengan sakit sambil jawab exam

cuak gak keluar sebab takde sape je macam kuar walaupun dah ade sorang dua termasuk Jep.

10.40am candlesky cari aku di luar. Heh, kuar awal jugak :D

"hey kamu ni trigger betul, lepas kamu keluar, ramai giler berderet-deret keluar classmate kita." kata beliau.

Aku senyum, gelak. Haha.

"Agaknya sume tunggu masa je nak keluar." Ulas beliau. Beliau kan pemerhati terbaik :P

Aku pun fikir balik, aku ni promoter ke atau tukang trigger?

Kamu rasa?


2 November 2008

Season in the hall


4 papers done, 8 credit hours gone.

Beware, examination season!

Make yourself healthy and tough enough. Prepare adequately, sweater + glove tebal-tebal ok! :D

Wish you all the best, take Care