26 November 2008

I was trying to make an ordinary miracle

warning: follow up from here, beware, it's going to be a long entry. This entry has a lot of hidden pictures, please click the link I give for clear understanding on my words.


Thanks for your concern and everyone is curious on my sickness. I've told you about the pain here but not the diagnosis.
It is a series of sicknesses. If doctors say when they ask about my medical history,

"banyaknya sakit awak ni..isk3..macam-macam ye.."

Then I would like to tell them,

"saya pun bosan nak cerita, tapi doctor tanya sangat."

Heh, dalam hati je lah. A doctor should not say that way. You're actually depressing the patient.

To recall back a doctor I met last April in my journey to settle down one of the sicknesses I have, he asked about my medical history using these words,

" I know many doctors have asked you about this, and surely dah bosan kan bercerita, but could you please share it with me this time?"

Yes, to have the empathy. To put yourself in the patient's shoes. Full stop.

note: alhamdulillah, that sickness have been eliminated from my life. It is now not as severe as before. - Brain-CSF related problem.

note: Gov hosp.

***********

note: Private hosp.

Then I continue my journey to heal another terrible pain. I was waiting for 2 years for this surgery in government hosp, but my doctor told me there's no need for any surgery and there's so much restriction from the University. Thus, I went to seek consultation in private hosp. during the examination period as it seems to be worsen. And there I learn new term, "shopping doctor".

For my surgery this time, my physician is not just a good doctor, but also generous :D
Dirinya dilengkapi dengan sikap-sikap doktor yang merawat pesakit jasad dan ruhani, and not money-oriented. *Glad

I've had an arthroscopy surgery for Left knee, a diagnostic and therapeutic surgery. The main aim is to repair the meniscus tear and remove the plicae if the need arise. But when I look at the MRI film, actually I cannot locate where's exactly the tear located. And I confirmed my view when the doctor said the same.

One thing in our mind, it is something wrong with the meniscus. No other things (but I don't know if my doctor hide it). Thus, the surgery is aiming to totally remove the terrible pain I've had for few years.

I was relief it would be that way, and for me it's such a miracle, an ordinary miracle. My life without terrible pain at the knee, as when it's in pain, it's not only the pain at the knee, but associated with terrible pain at the ankle and half of the body. I think it's because of the nerve relation.

Usually, I cannot walk normally, I cannot go to class many times, I cannot focus for revision etc2. I'm so much in love with sport activities, but the pain stops me to be so vigorous in it. Even how tough you try to bear with the sickness, but still somehow it would at least affect your daily activities, especially academic.

That's the key point why sick people get depress. The pain is one thing, but the things that affected by the pain, that's much more painful. Trust me. Read here, for further understanding how pain affect daily activities.

The surgery was done last week. Two hours after surgery, the surgeon came in.

"Nothing wrong with the meniscus, but we found a defect on the cartilage, it is very severe."

Doktor sambung lagi
"Very rare. It's laterally, and at a young age like you. We've shaved the defect, but I'm sorry, the pain is still there, but reduced."

Lagi,
"Rasanya this is due to repeated direct impact trauma. We'll administer medications to slow the progression of the defect later on in your life. It's a lifetime pain, please slow down (baca: stop) all heavy activities-not to give extra harm to your injury, ok? You might have another surgery, but later on in your life."

Aku rasa macam ada halilintar sekejap lalu, kalaulah boleh buat efek terkejut macam drama seberang :D tapi muka aku maintain relax ah, kan aku pelakon pentas dunia (:
kebahagiaan hidup kena tarik, sedey gila senanye..orang yang tak suka sport tak faham ah, heh. (no offense ah)

First, I thought I could really do the ordinary miracle, I wanted to live without pain at my knee (knee je dulu sebab pain dekat body parts laen belum pegi heal-kan). It is normal for having no pain, but being able to live normally is a miracle to me. Everyday everytime, the pain is there, not only the knee, but also other parts as I mentioned here.

Second, lain yang diharapkan, lain yang terjadi. Seperti yang telah aku nyatakan di atas. Dan jalanan masih jauh, banyak lagi aku nak guna kaki ni. Pheww..

Third, daripada 3 hari restriction berjalan, dah jadi 3 minggu takleh jalan, depend on crutches and wheelchair untl now. Jatuh, rebah tersungkur, perkara biasa untuk 4-5 hari ini :)

Fourth, daripada sepatutnya tak banyak ubat, jadi bertimbun dalam sehari. Hu, rasa nak muntah pun ada :D one of the medication require me to reduce glucose intake in food, haih..

Fifth...(wei ape gunanya kita duduk mengira segala ketidak-bahagiaan diri). Mari, positifkan minda, legakan hati.

ok, mula.

All this while I've been living with the pain, why couldn't I bear with them for the rest of life. Mungkin aku terfikir dengan usia aku sekarang, jalanan kehidupan aku masih jauh. Banyak lagi nak guna kaki neh. Dan banyak lagi aktiviti yang tak boleh terganggu dengan kesakitan ni. Tapi, dunia ni hanya sementara, entah esok lusa aku dijemput pergi. We never know.

Kita merancang, tapi Allah terlebih dahulu merancang untuk kita. Kita hanya boleh berusaha sebaik mungkin, selebihnya Tuhan yang menentukan kesudahannya. Aku terfikir mungkin semasa pembedahan, doktor sendiri rasa serba salah bila tengok something else rupanya, but they also tried to give the best for the patient's QOL (quality of life). I believe in that.

Aku cukup bernasib baik Tuhan tak bagi ujian lumpuh seluruh badan dan sebagainya. Sekadar defect sebelah kaki, aku dah sangat2 bernasib baik. Aku bersyukur, Tuhan. Cuma ada masa aku agak down. Tika dan saat itu Tuhan, aku harap aku tak menyimpang dari landasanMu. Patients will go back and forth, sometimes the mind is stable, sometimes not, due to the pain, That's normal. Subject Patient Care dan subjek Health Communication banyak membantu aku faham keadaan diri aku. Haha.

To think of what you cannot do is painful, but to think of what you could do is great! Actually there're a lot more awaiting you. Right now, to take care of the remaining ni'mah is essential, aite? Sama jugak bila kita lost one of our family members, hargai sebaiknya mereka yang masih di sisi kita, dan jangan terlalu meratap sayu insan yang dah pergi. Kenangan tetap kekal, sedih itu pasti. Live on your life for people around you.

Tiba-tiba teringat lak..in remembrance of Mak.. -_-"

Kau tahu tak ape aku tengah fikirkan sekarang? Aku rasa aku tengah deviate gila daripada main point sekarang. Haha.

Two days after surgery I try to recall back the so-called repeated direct impact trauma. Yes, sume daripada sukan. Dan satu jugak sebab eksiden tercampak ke jalan dulu. I guess somehow ia menyumbang suara pada hal ini.

Other possible reason, my ankle (distal end fibula tibia) separated 1 cm from its origin, the image is somehow like here, it should be held close together by the ligament. I always fall down due to the condition and as always, my knee will kiss the ground first ;)
Sebab knee begitu sejak 7 tahun lepas, thus I've been living with this since a year ago..

23 hours at my ankle for the first 5 months, irritating. The next 7 months, rarely been used. If you knock it, the sound is like you knock the door ;) I cannot wear sandals and shoes if I wear this, and only scholl won't give harm to the leg, haih..

Bila berjalan, teman suka usik,
"kaki as saje dah beratus, ankle brace beratus, slipper beratus..nak rompak ah kaki as..haha."
Teman, aku sabar jelah. Haih. Bukan aku pinta segala susah nih, aku suka bata lebih daripada yang len. Aku rasa korang leh try pakai brace tu tengok apa rasa, nak cuba? :P
Heh, aku tau korang maen2 je :D

Tulah yang aku rasa penyebabnye. People will always find the reasons for things that happen, either as hikmah or as real reason. The real reason will help others not to fall on the same condition, while hikmah will always help us to feel better and be grateful to Allah. Pendek kata, supaya rasa redha lah. Haha, sounds easy aite? Huu..

To slow the progression and to ease the pain throughout life, I will be dependent on injections, medications, physiotherapy and most crucial part, no heavy activities. Yeah!
Ok, nampaknya aku kena sabar (erk..sabar? :D )

I was trying to make an ordinary miracle, but it doesn't happen, maybe God wants me to stay...

note: terima kasih atas kesabaran membaca sampai sini. Moga ada nilai2 berguna.

19 comments:

Szakif said...

:)

::Amin Mansor:: said...

be strong as..

Nae3m said...

as, dont worry
inshaAllah you're one of the strongest i've ever met...

:)

may Allah strengthen your spirits, and i'd always pray for your health and success

Jepah said...

=)

sarsafarilla said...

Aslmkm sanah..

skrg baru akak paham sikit the thing that's been bothering u all these while. takpe sanah be strong k. i know u r. in whatever situation as long as you keep yourself attached to Him you'll find strength therein, insyaAllah. and I'll always be by ur side.. err not literally of course ;) be strong girl! Apa2 pun akak doakan yg terbaik utk awak, utk kite semua, aminn ;)

As said...

szakif and jepah nak jadi twins baru eh?

***

amin, as I always did :)

***

naeem,may I remain or improve..tq

***
sarsafarilla,
tqvm..hope u dont misunderstand :)
it's not this one thing yang bother, it's only one part of them.

Husaini said...

It's ok..cured insya Allah..La baksa thohurun Insya Allah, may Allah bless and grant you for whatever you've gone through. Ameen

alif zai mim ra said...

As, i'll be ur pom2 girl as always. hehe

izzahismail said...

akak,
teringat ur post on sabar. jgn ckp sabar pada orng sakit because that's what they have been doing to stand for so long.for the record, i dont know what to say.you know why? i felt like i could understand ur feeling.

how to pun in words eh? sbb we can say so many things but you're the one who in pain. and the least i could do is to pray for you.
i wish i could help you in any ways.

akak kuat semangat, may Allah makes things easier for you ;)

:D :D :D :D :D :D

kte senyum banyak so you'll be smiling when you read my comment.

hee ;))

kamil said...

smile ^^

Faisal Admar said...

Kinda complicated as you stayed discreet before and hard for me to figure out through the guessing game.

Ok, now I know what you are suffering with and since when it happen? What was the cause?

I'd be glad if you could share with me :)

As said...

husaini..
lama tak bersapa..syukron atas du'a, appreciated very much..
bile family kite nak gather lagik? :D
**

alif zai mim ra,
make sure ur attire is green in kaler ok!
**

adik izza,
huu..u still remember that entry eh? Glad*
Thanks for ur understanding.. :)
iza, i gues i got a new name from yuo..haha
'akak kuat semangat'..orait!
we;ll always be ahppy together aite? thanks for the ukhuwwah

wow..ukhuwwah..lama giler tak sebut ;)

take care!
***

kamil..
u got twins u there :)
**

faisal,
no guessing anymore aite? As i've stated everything (only on this sickness ah..hu).

quoted form the entry

"Very rare. It's laterally, and at a young age like you. We've shaved the defect, but I'm sorry, the pain is still there, but reduced."

"Two days after surgery I try to recall back the so-called repeated direct impact trauma. Yes, sume daripada sukan. Dan satu jugak sebab eksiden tercampak ke jalan dulu. I guess somehow ia menyumbang suara pada hal ini."

sorry..this entry is too long, but everything is inside..even ur Q's also already answered in it :)
take a good look, take care!

pai_ilham al-adwa' said...

Salam mek As...=)

teruskan bertabah...
dlm hidup ni ada 3 jenis musibah...
musibatul bala'-ditimpakan atas org2 beriman utk diuji dan ditingkatkan keimanan

musibatul jaza'-ditimpakan atas manusia kerana perbuatannya

musibatul tarbiyah-ditimpakan atas manusia kerana kasihNya agar hambaNya kembali setelah leka..

mg dirimu dlm musibah yg pertama...utk diuji keimanan..langsung diangkat imannya..

Sabar jg dlm 3 perkara...
sabar dlm melakukan taat..
sabar dlm menghindari maksiat..
dan sabar dalam keaadaan menerima qada dan qadar...ie musibah..

pahit yg dilalui tiada siapa yg merasa..hanya antara ALLAH dan hambaNya..tidaklah sesuatu itu terjadi melainkan untuk kita menilai nikmatNya...

am in 'pain' too..dok sakit blakang mase type ni..ankle joint n knee joint on right side tidak membenarkan saya utk jln banyak..

tc,As...terus bertabah..=)

Huzai said...

"take vicodin" - Dr. Gregory House


:)

As said...

dear pai_ilham..
no worries..im just doing fine with the 24/7 pain
sharing here only for two reasons

1-edu purposes
2-menjawab persoalan ramai orang

take care too

**

huzai..
dah terlalu immune dengan berbagai painkillers :)
tq anyway

kem salam Dr House :D

WaBI said...

Assalamualaikum

really want to get to know u more and more...

take a deep breath,as.

remember Him always.

U will be in my dua always,inshaAllah.

mutiara bd said...

terima kasih ya Allah mengetemukan dengan orang macam ini..smg berjaya as..

Husaini said...

Family gather, As? Erkk..hmm..apa-apapun salam kesihatan untuk ukhti..La baksa thohurun Insya Allah

al-ikhsan said...

an ordinary miracle?one thing for sure, those who are capable of doing so are extraordinairres i tell you!

:D