Say, I Love You

taken 12th ramadhan, we at the beach watching the sun rising.

Jika cinta, katakan cinta. Jika sayang, katakan sayang. Fuh. Cam ape je.

May Allah shower us with His barakah. We have met, and been together in this world, in the journey towards Him. He, who has guide us to this path, to here we are.

Kita semua telah bersatu hati dan sama-sama berjalan ke arah mencari redhaNya. Dialah yang selayaknya dipuji atas segala kurnia kebersamaan ini.

Even so, jalanan kita ini, kebersamaan kita ini, pasti takkan sunyi daripada liku liku kekeliruan, noda dan ujian dalam persahabatan. Namun tetap, hati ini mahu mengatakan, jiwa ini kasih keranaNya.

Kata orang, mencari kawan itu mudah. Namun sahabat sukar dicari. Jauh perjalanan, lama kehidupan, barulah ketemu sahabat sebenar. Namun syukur atas kurniaanNya, sahabat sebenar sahabat, ada disekeliling diri ini.

Sesungguhnya orang yang beriman tu, bersaudara kan (Al hujurat:10). Persahabatan, teman, kasih sayang, rasa ambil berat, this is all a gift from God. This is among the hikmah stated in Al-Quran.

"Walaupun kamu membelanjakan (kekayaan) yang berada di bumi, niscaya kamu tidak dapat mempersatukan hati mereka, akan tetapi Allah telah mempersatukan hati mereka. "

With this I understand, pertautan hati kerana selain Allah tidak akan menyatukan hati-hati manusia. tidak akan...hmmm...

Bersahabat kerana Allah, syarat ke syurga. Oh mengapakah...

Kita tidak akan masuk syurga kecuali apabila kita beriman. Dan kita ni, tidak dikira beriman selagi kita tidak saling berkasih sayang. Dan nabi tanyakan pada sahabat-sahabat, nak tau tak apa yang boleh kamu lakukan supaya kamu saling menyayangi?

"Sebarkanlah salam di antara kalian."

Fuh, kan best gi mana-mana semua saling bagi salam. And this is very RARE.

And last, one of the form of love between us all. To think of them secretly in prayers. Dan ada malaikat di sisi yang akan sentiasa menjawab doa kita

"dan untukmu jua apa yang kau pinta."

Rasulullah mengibaratkan Muslim sebagai satu tubuh, di mana seluruh tubuh akan merasa sakit apabila satu anggota merasa sakit..

Allahumma solli 'ala Muhammad ~

Aku bermohon padaNya, moha dihimpunkan kita semua di Jannatul Firdaus yang tertinggi, menjadikan perhimpunan kita, perhimpunan yang penuh kasih sayang. Sedangkan perpisahan kita adalah perpisahan yang bersih daripada dosa.

11 pergi dan yang berbaki

taken last February

Sekejap saje sudah 11 Ramadhan, dan hari ini hari kedua as mencari sendiri juadah berbuka. Hari-hari yang lepas semuanya atas bantuan rakan-rakan. Ramadhan kali ini, macam-macam terjadi, admission to ward and all.

But alhamdulillah Allah panjangkan nyawa kita untuk sampai ke hari ke11 ramadhan ni. Sedang antara ramadhan yang lepas dan ramadhan tahun ini, sudah berapa ramai yang telah pergi meninggalkan kita. Tapi Allah panjangkan umur kita untuk mengecapi bulan nikmat ini...

Dalam ramadhan,

amalan sunat = pahala mengerjakan amalan wajib

amalan wajib = pahala mengerjakan 70 'ibadah wajib di luar bulan ramadhan

[HR ibnu khuzaimah]

Mengecapi nikmat tu bolehlah di analogikan dengan, menghirup dalam-dalam udara sahur, menghirup dalam-dalam udara malam-malam ramadhan. Cuba kamu tarik nafas dalam-dalam sekarang, nikmat kan..? Sebab biasanya kita tak bernafas sepenuhnya pun. Kan?

Cuba kamu tarik nafas dalam-dalam setiap kali di mana-mana tempat, serius mesti ramai suh kamu pergi hospital check dada :D

Untuk ramadhan yang berbaki, kejarlah apa yang telah luput daripada kita pada 11 hari yang telah berlalu. Belum terlambat. Jangan tunda-tunda. Ini as pesan pada diri sendiri dan ajak kawan-kawan semua.. Boleh aa kita masuk syurga sama-sama kan. Ameen :D

"Ya Allah, aku berlindung daripada merasa mulia dan agung di dalam jiwaku sendiri. Sementara di dalam jiwa orang lain, aku kecil dan hina." [doa Hassan Al-Basri]

wallahu'alam..

Needle into the joint

early August last year, in putrajaya :)

It was at day care unit. I went down from my ward with a wheelchair for intra-articular injections. Procedure ended with words from my consultant to the patient besides me.

"Awak jangan menangis pulak ye."

Coz she's waiting for her turn for wound dressing, and keep looking at me during the injections.

I'm used to lots of injections whether to withdraw blood or for intra-muscular analgesia (ubat tahan sakit disuntik pada bahu). But I'm really traumatic with intra-articular injection (suntikan pada sendi).

Dan bila doktor nyatakan yang As perlu dapatkan suntikan itu lagi tika di ward, kepala terpaksa mengiakan. Kali terakhir As mendapat suntikan itu hampir setahun setengah yang lepas. Beberapa kali sejak Nov 2008 after a surgery done to my knee. Feels quite old to have such surgery. Heh.

What is special about intra-articular injection is, it must be at least 6 repetitive injections, at a single joint. Yesza. And the pain is definitely really terribly different from other injections. Even 10 times more painful compared to IM injection at the shoulder.

For the first 3 injections, usually my eyes boleh tengok lagi. Da masuk ke empat, sure pejam mata tunduk tahan air mata. Senyap....dengan air mata menitis....keras...

Heh siyes sakit amat. Needle went through your joints, ligament, tendon etc..wuhu.

Dan doctor will ask,

"Hasanah, you alright?"

for few times and I cannot even say "Yes."

Even cannot ask what did you inject into my joint, is it hyaluronic acid, steroid or what...

intra articular injection of the knee

And don't know why it is really really painful even you got the injection of local anaesthesia before the next injection. Yosh~

No more tears, wonderful friends are everywhere

"Adik sekolah lagi ke?" The physiotherapist asked me.

"Yup, sekolah lagi akak." Sambil senyum

"Sekolah kat mana?"

"UIA.."

And she laughed. "La sekolah lagi ke camtu?"

"Yup akak, tak habis2 lagi belajar kat sekolah ni."

"Berapa lama lagi?"

"8 bulan, inshaAllah."

Sekolah kehidupan jua, yang entah bila kan berakhirnya. Entah esok lusa, atau sepuluh dua puluh tahun yang mendatang. Mampukah anggota badan ini menampung bebaban. It's alreadly like 48 years old. aha :)

*******

"Doctor, nak discharge, please..tomorrow."

"You should stay until a week at least. Ada 6 treatment session to be completed."

"Tamau. Nak discharged.."

Dan doktor senyum sambil geleng.

I'm already discharged. Thanks for the wonderful support, friends.

p/s: gambar atas tu, guna point and shoot camera je ;)

nota: she will be unfit for proper performance of her duties until 19th august."

rasa macam will be forever unfit je with fibromyalgia. heh

Started the Ramadhan in the ward

Photo taken past two years in the ward.

Ramadhan this year has come again. And as always, my heart feels like full with bless. With the so-called sickness which I never heard the name before, fibromyalgia which often causing restricted movement and radiating pain, that affects whole my life and my body system. Still, I could feel His love. Thanks Allah for granting me such strength to face everything, even though only You know how much I struggle inside in :)

So this Ramadhan, having it in the ward. Fall down twice, a day before Ramadhan, and the pain was like, ouch never felt before. Having this weak body even to walk around, makes me frequently falling down. And usually I would just get up and walk again like nothing happened. But on the day, I really2 surrender myself, I waited until I think I can walk. But I cant. Huhu.

Im totally in deep pain everyday and exhaustion due to my clinical posting. We work really hard in this field, everything is heavy, patients are heavy, the machines are heavy, the equipments are heavy, the doors and all are heavy too~! We did the posting, like we're already a staff. Lots of doctors are viewing the medical images without realizing many of them produced by students, only students. Yes it is true.

Thus, the work we are in, adding up with the sickness. And lots of 'school' work given by lecturers, I feels like the semester already passed for 2 months and half even though it was only 5 weeks ago. Having research project, mini thesis, classes, keje-keje sekolah and the main thing is the clinical posting (p/s: Rasa macam tengah buat PJJ je skang bukan full time student. Huhu) which makes me so much in deep pain and exhaustion, I really feel wanna pause for a while for my weak body. So having to start the Ramadhan by being admitted to ward, I think it's still full with bless. I think He wants me to have a very good rest despite of the pain.

Everything happens for a reason, and Allah for sure knows the best. Friends out there, I know that you're having a difficult days too, I pray that Allah eases your path, grant you strength, because I know you can. He wont burden us with something which we cannot bear of, and He loves you. That is for sure. Take care, friends!

FAMILY is a way of having friends by ALLAH's decision.

FRIENDS make family by human decision.

it's your day

It's your special day. Might be the last that all 4 of us could celebrate together. Our prayers would follow your footsteps. Keep on walking, Love.

Untuk sahabat yang disayangi..

Pada ulangtahun ke23,

pada jiwa yang menjengah pertambahan usia,

pada usia yang semakin bertambah kurangnya,

dan pada kaki yang kini memijak akhir tahun pengajiannya..

Moga Allah rahmati perjalanan usia,

diberkati ilmu yang di dada,

dikuatkan semangat juang menempuh jihad menuntut baki ilmu tahun akhir, ditegarkan hati untuk terus mengejar kejayaan, kejayaan abadi di sisiNya.

Moga gelaran wanita solehah jadi milikmu teman..dicintaiNya jua dikasihi seorang mujahid yang bakal menemani titian baki usia perjalanan, menebar mawaddah dan rahmah pada dirimu, dirinya, dan permata2 yang bakal dilahirkan.

Daku serahkan segala harapan ini dalam tanganNya. dan daku serahkan kamu dalam jagaanNya.

Remember, WE love you~!

Buatmu sahabat-sahabat. Jauh dan dekat. Kenalan jauh dan rapat. Alam maya dan realiti.

Jangan Engkau tinggalkan untuknya suatu dosa melainkan telah Engkau ampunkan. Dan tiada suatu aibnya, melainkan telah Engkau tutupinya. Tiada suatu dukanya melainkan telah Engkau hilangkan daripadanya. Tiada suatu hutangnya melainkan telah Engkau bayarkannya. Tiada suatu kesakitan melainkan telah Engkau sembuhkannya. Tiada suatu hajatnya dari keperluan dunia dan akhiratnya yang telah Engkau redhai dan tepat untuknya melainkan telah Engkau tunaikan segalanya baginya wahai Tuhan yang Maha Penyayang

Ampunilah daku dan sahabat-sahabatku dan masukkanlah kami kedalam rahmatMu. Wahai Tuhan yang maha penyayang!

perlukah ada risau

Kaki yang memijak duri

Kubawa ia menyusuri hari

Merentas batasan mimpi

Yang roboh di sini

Di hati ini....!

Dalam hidup, banyak perkara yang kita sayang.

Ramai juga orang yang kita sayang, itu yang hampir menjadi perkara pertama bagi kebanyakan kita.

As selalu tertanya pada diri, apakah kasih sayang kita mampu memelihara mereka semua daripada hilang daripada pandangan hati dan mata. Adakah segala kuasa di tangan kita. Apakah mampu kita membendung segala kerisauan daripada terjadi. Kehilangan, kematian, kerosakan, berubah hati dan segala perkara negatif yang tidak mahu kita utarakan.

Semuanya di tangan Tuhan! Siapakah kita yang kerdil hina, mahukan sesuatu terjadi atas kehendak kita, sedangkan segalanya telah dalam genggaman takdir iradat Tuhan. Kadangkala rasa terlalu kerdil diri, nikmat diberi tak terjangkau luas, pedih hati yang kecil semata, mengapa itu yang dijadikan sandaran kesedihan.

"Toksoh duk ingat lah hok sedih tu.."

I think someone said this way in my flickr page.

Sesuatu yang memang ditakdirkan bukan milik kita, walau sekuat mana pun genggaman kita, tetap akan terlepas jua. Sesuatu yang memang ditakdirkan untuk kita, di dalam tanah ia tersembunyi rapat, tetap akan datang pada kita.

Apakah lagi yang perlu dirisaukan? Takdir Tuhan? Kita manusia, tetap manusia. Selagi belum bergelar sufi, yang pergantungan totally pada Rabbi.

Entri ini adalah bukan untuk mendoakan, tetapi untuk menarik kita semua kepada realiti. Ia lebih kepada peringatan dan pujukan buat diri sendiri. As mahu berkongsi dengan kamu.

As sendiri yang menulis entri ini pun terasa sangat syadid nya diri. Tapi ini realiti yang perlu kita garapkan, bukan?

easier said than be done.

Moga Allah kurniakan kita iman yang sempurna. ameen.

berhidup dengan dia

Dia teman As sampai bila-bila. Dia sangat setia bersama.

I was not aware that Im living with it since few years back. Maybe since 7 years ago. Wow lamanya kami bersama~

Just after I met Dr. Cyril Toma from Prince Court Hospital, that he found this on me. Living with fibromyalgia. Muka As berkerut when he mentioned this to me. What is that on earth? Until he asked me to go back and google about this. (just click here to know more about fibromyalgia)

And it fits perfectly with all the symptoms!

Sebab selama ni penat As duk buat imaging kat badan ni nak check apa masalah dia exactly. Did I have PID on my spine. Did I have any tear in the knee. Mintak tolong radiologist buatkan ultrasound for shoulder joint jugak.

Mintak tolong staffs buatkan MRI dan sebagainya. Hoho. Penat je As tido dalam MRI. But at least I know that my cervical disc are all degenerating now. But I do think Im too young for this. Heh.

Yang paling best, surgery done but nothing happens. Malah makin worst. Semua sebab fibromyalgia. Ces. hehe. Akhirnya dapat jawapan kepada persoalan.

Yes, ini kali pertama as menulis tanpa explain pada kalian setiap medical terms. As mintak maaf. Dengan semua apa yang as belajar selama ni, as curious nape semua imaging modalities takleh nak show fibromyalgia in the images. MRI which specially design for soft tissue pun tak boleh show. Ultrasound lagilah tak jelas. CT scan etc tu lagilah jauh sekali.

But functional MRI (fMRI) boleh usha what is in the brain of fibromyalgia sufferer. How the brain response, and how the pain regulate. Macam sangat menarik. But, we dont have fMRI yet in Malaysia. Haih. That is such an interesting study. Cuma risau susah nak dapat data kat Malaysia sebab memang tak ramai yang sakit macam ni, dan tak ramai doctor aware to diagnose this. Acceptable lah, sebab rare. Dah jadi bias in study.

The same goes with the imaging using SPECT (single photon emission CT). Sama macam fMRI, die tetap study brain of the suffferer, where the blood flow is higher, and each region tu of course indicate different things. Tahla. As just suka cardiac imaging je when it comes to SPECT. The same goes to MRI, as lebih minat cardiac MR. Memang sangat best.

Dan as rasa sangat tah pape, sebab this is not my style of writing. I did not show my emotion directly this way, especially in this blog. Yosh...ape sudah jadi..wiiii...

When Mum asked you to get married

Never speak about this. Never touch on this issue. In this memorable blog of mine.

This, such a big issue, for me as a woman.

And when Mum asked me to get married.

Mum asked me to get married.

Mum thought I already have someone special.

Mum thought that I rejected men who came to me.

"Sape2 yang baik datang pada kita, terima jelah seadanya. Tak perlu pilih-pilih sangat."

I said, Im in pain 24/7. I don't want to burden anyone close.

"Is your sickness make your friends doenst want to befriend you..?"

And...im speechless..

Lifetime sickness, terrible pain 24/7. Emotional distress due to the pain. Pressure in life because of inevitable bad day. I burden those who close to me a lot, even those who didnt. The list will go longer..

Im a healthcare practitioner, I learn patient care, patient psychology and all..it should be me, the first who understand and accept my condition with ease at heart. But Im frustrated with those who cant accept me with this condition.

It makes me, to say, 'I am your mistake, please stay away.'

Conversation ended when Mum said,

"Berdoalah, moga Allah berikan seseorang yang baik."

The mess we are in

Status

Title

This is the mess we are in

when the title given in front of your names

being as something which would make you to be treated as God.

Oh please !