Suffering is an option.

Dalam beberapa keadaan,
ketika lemah tubuh melawan kesakitan,
tuntutan tetap diperah memenuhi keperluan,
akhirnya terkapar lemah mencari arah,
tafakkur tersebut dapat difahami...

Jatuh tu moga sebentar je, recharge iman dan tenaga.

I don’t know what the hardest part of having Fibro is, the pain, the depression because you are no longer the person you used to be, or the fact that no one believes you when you tell them you are sick, because you just don’t look sick. Hopefully sejarah lama tak berulang kembali.

Allah, mudahkanlah langkah kaki. Mudahkanlah. Verily, after calamity there is relief. Dan belum cukup beriman kita jika tak diberi ujian. Dunia adalah tempat ujian, bukan tempat kerehatan. Rehat nanti, kita rehat kat syurga tertinggi, syurga Firdaus. Amacam?

Hehe. Well, Allah is enough for me. :)

And for yOu. Definitely!

Mixed.

aku [EXPLORE #53], a photo by As ||| on Flickr.

Mood rudum sedikit, kelam macam gambar ni. Mungkin sebab kesakitan yang super kuat. Oh macam dah lamaa sangat tak bukak cerita sakit. Good.

Pagi tadi ada cakap mungkin takkan rasa efek besar jika kesakitan ni mai lagi style menggila. Oh nampaknya terus diuji kesabaran. Memang Allah nak bagi reminder cash and carry. Haila aku lah jugak seorang manusia. Ada waktu tergelincir sedikit. Hatta sebesar kuman pun, mesti ada.

Bila Allah izin nak jadi. Gitulah. Allah jugak yang bukak hati.

Disebabkan masuk mengajar kat madrasah ni dan dan je dekat nak bukak sekolah, terus hari yang sama kena pergi kursus dan hari-hari seterusnya sibuk beraktiviti bagai. Tak lupa lesson plan nak kena prepare. Dan patutlah kena ada basic ilmu formal pendidikan supaya tak jadi agak terkapai di awanan macam aku. -_-"

Pastu petik kepala, come on ujian je ni. Simple dimple. Sat lagi okelah ni. Sat lagi zass dia jadi easy measy. Tapi belum jadi lagilah lepas seminggu. Takpe malaysia boleh. Walaupun hari ni dah tahap nak nangis mengenangkan lesson plan.

Ape, google je? Copy yang tahun lepas? Aa yelah, sebab takdir silibus baru. Jadi takda rujukan mana-mana lagi melainkan dah pergi kursus pasal silibus baru. Ala takpe petik jari nanti setel lah benda simple nih.

-_-"

Hah nilah syndrome kesakitan super time kerja banyak. Mental emosi berperang dengan iman. Harapnya iman menang, takmo bagi syaitan the devil mevil menang. Cannot!

MINTAK IZIN

Alkisah mintak izin tentang dua perkara pada parents. Perkara satu dah lama mintak, tapi lulus bila dah ada wonderwall guardian angel sahaja. Perkara kedua, pun tak dapat kelulusan.

Jadinya selagi tak bertentangan dengan syariat wajiblah seorang anak ini dengar dan taat tanpa banyak soal. Still lah aku doa kat Allah bukak hati ibu ayah bagi izin laluan. Amin.

BANYAK

Tiap kali tengok banyak nya pil nak telan. Aku cepat-cepat ingat ramai lagi orang yang suffer nak kena telan lebih juta-juta ubatan dalam sehari. Erk metafora je.

ANOTHER HALF

Means we're better when we're with them. Faham? Suatu perkongsian in any senses that matter. Sesuatu yang menyebabkan aku speechless, macam sekarang ni.

Yang tak perlukan cinta masyuk. Hadiah bertindan-tindan. Cukup satu tunas kecil yang kadang tak sedar pun dia existed. Tinggal nak semai nak baja at the right time. Sometimes. Sometimes sebab it would be even better bila walau tanpa tunas, dia boleh mekar dengan jayanya pada masa yang tepat.

"Where are those who love one another through My glory? Today I shall give them shade in My shade, it being a day when there is no shade but My shade."
[Hadith Qudsi No. 23, Al-Bukhari & Malik]

Oke, done.

SEORANG AISYAH

Seseorang telah merujuk kan kami. Sekujurnya Aisyah itu adalah Aisyah Nur Hakim. Oh kerap ternampak padahalnya seorang nama itu di tempat-tempat yang sangat familiar.

Oh btw Aisyah, beliau yang merujuk kita itu nampaknya telah memberi pesan. Moganya As mengikut jejak langkah ninja akhir zaman yang seorang ini. Alhamdulillah niqab menjadi pilihan hatimu duhai ukhti.

Siapa yang tak bangga. Hati berbunga mekar senyum melihat di sebalik dua biji mata yang terlihat. Hanya itu. Cukup untuk memberi ruh penyejuk buat seorang As.

Doakan doakan. Doakan seorang Hasanah ini diberi izin oleh Allah. Sedang berusaha. Moga Allah permudahkan pada jalan menuju kebaikan. Allahumma ameen!

SEORANG ANAK

Dalam sibuk menaip perlahan-lahan menahan sakit, si kecil datang dan pergi. Menagih kasihkah? Menghulur buku-buku yang sekeping dua itu. Seolahnya dah lebih daripada berat badan dia sendiri!

Cuma mahu datang hulur buku untuk aku terima. Kemudian mahu aku serah kembali. Dan dia dengan gembira akan mengucapkan, "Ciiihh."
Yang bermaksud, terima kasih! Itulah anak-anak kecil mahukan perhatian. Hatta sekecil itu yang baru setahun setengah mengenal kaki. Yelah, dapat kaki boleh jalan.

Oh aku letak azam tanak blogging nanti dah ada anak. Er maksud aku, waktu depa berkehidupan lah. Depa tidoq bolehla nak menaip sepatah dua kata buat peminat. Ceh!

Oh anak-anak memang penyejuk mata dan penyejuk hati. Moga si kecil besar jadi pemimpin golongan bertaqwa. He's my little sweetheart, he taught me patience. Hatta bukan anak sendiri.

TERAKHIR

Last dah. Boleh pulak menaip sambil macam ni. Yelah nothing is impossible, for whatever it takes. Tinggal nak ke tak nak je. Sama jugak dengan agama. Jika hati dah berkehendakkan agama, alasan reasoning semua dah tak perlu dah. Lautan api pun sanggup direnangi. Sepatutnyalah.

Allah Maha Kuasa, makhluk takda kuasa.
Wallahua'lam.

p/s: Oke dah habis satu entry. Err nak taip lagi satu terus boleh?

Living with Fibromyalgia, Part 1

*This is actually an assignment given by my psychiatrist; to write regarding Fibromyalgia syndrome which maybe could be used for other chronic pain sufferer. A close friend of mine said, I did not truly express the real condition and my real feelings in this writing. Hehe. Maybe we can have it for other parts? :)*

Part 1: You’re stronger than you thought!

Been living with a chronic pain disease which I never heard the name before, Fibromyalgia, which often causing restricted movement and radiating pain that affects whole my life and body system requires great strength. Still, I could feel His love. Thanks Allah for granting me such force to face everything, and of course only He knows how much exactly I struggle inside in.

Suffering of multiple joint pains for years has leaded me to have consultation at various institutions and not to include numbers of investigation, still not knowing of having Fibromyalgia. Glad that on one find day a very understanding orthopedic oncologists diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia. The searching for a name of the pain comes to an end, but then that one single word totally makes me to view my life differently and also to act differently.

This disease will affect most of the body systems thus it is good to know the diagnosis for me to understand my limitation. Furthermore, it is actually answering lots of questions in my mind. Yes, there is no total cure for Fibromyalgia, and it will accompany me till the very end. It is actually not that easy, but accepting a chronic pain disease is among the most crucial thing in dealing positively with it. The pain is totally inevitable, but to suffer due to the sickness is an option for you to choose. One thing for sure, to be patient is not an option, you must be tough all the way long.

As a chronic pain sufferer, I cannot deny that sometimes I would have gloomy days, since this disease is also scientifically associated with depression. Oh thought that I could not say sometimes too, it is most of the time I am depress, or maybe to say deeply in stress? Having to function normally in everyday life as a student really requires great effort as you need to work double triple harder than your other normal healthy classmates. Of course it would be very much stressful.

I would always cry, not because of the pain, but because of the workload which could not be done due to the pain. It is in short, frustrating. Being as a student in Allied Health Sciences makes me understand what a patient truly feels (this is exactly me) since everything has been taught in class. When we are always painful and unable to do the task given or daily activities, it is ‘normal’ to be moody, gloomy, raining or even thunder storm due to it! It is a prove that I am still a human.

But still when we come back to our normal senses, we again will pick the key of accepting (redha) to face our daily life. Other than that, supportive family and friends around is also vital for you to go on living your life. Laughter is always the best medicine, just give out your smile even though it is raining heavily inside. I am now quite dependant on the medicine to stay calm, and this state of mind really helps me to seat back and thinks deeply. This is just a test from Allah as He knows that we can endure it no matter what, and we are actually stronger than we thought.

Everything happens for a reason, and Allah for sure knows the best. Friends out there, I know that you're having a difficult day too, I pray that Allah eases your path, grant you strength, because I know you can. He would not burden us with something which we cannot bear of, and He loves you. That is for sure. Take care, friends!