25 July 2010

perlukah ada risau

Kaki yang memijak duri
Kubawa ia menyusuri hari
Merentas batasan mimpi
Yang roboh di sini
Di hati ini....!

Dalam hidup, banyak perkara yang kita sayang.
Ramai juga orang yang kita sayang, itu yang hampir menjadi perkara pertama bagi kebanyakan kita.

As selalu tertanya pada diri, apakah kasih sayang kita mampu memelihara mereka semua daripada hilang daripada pandangan hati dan mata. Adakah segala kuasa di tangan kita. Apakah mampu kita membendung segala kerisauan daripada terjadi. Kehilangan, kematian, kerosakan, berubah hati dan segala perkara negatif yang tidak mahu kita utarakan.

Semuanya di tangan Tuhan! Siapakah kita yang kerdil hina, mahukan sesuatu terjadi atas kehendak kita, sedangkan segalanya telah dalam genggaman takdir iradat Tuhan. Kadangkala rasa terlalu kerdil diri, nikmat diberi tak terjangkau luas, pedih hati yang kecil semata, mengapa itu yang dijadikan sandaran kesedihan.

"Toksoh duk ingat lah hok sedih tu.."
I think someone said this way in my flickr page.

Sesuatu yang memang ditakdirkan bukan milik kita, walau sekuat mana pun genggaman kita, tetap akan terlepas jua. Sesuatu yang memang ditakdirkan untuk kita, di dalam tanah ia tersembunyi rapat, tetap akan datang pada kita.

Apakah lagi yang perlu dirisaukan? Takdir Tuhan? Kita manusia, tetap manusia. Selagi belum bergelar sufi, yang pergantungan totally pada Rabbi.

Entri ini adalah bukan untuk mendoakan, tetapi untuk menarik kita semua kepada realiti. Ia lebih kepada peringatan dan pujukan buat diri sendiri. As mahu berkongsi dengan kamu.
As sendiri yang menulis entri ini pun terasa sangat syadid nya diri. Tapi ini realiti yang perlu kita garapkan, bukan?

easier said than be done.

Moga Allah kurniakan kita iman yang sempurna. ameen.

21 July 2010

berhidup dengan dia

Dia teman As sampai bila-bila. Dia sangat setia bersama.
I was not aware that Im living with it since few years back. Maybe since 7 years ago. Wow lamanya kami bersama~

Just after I met Dr. Cyril Toma from Prince Court Hospital, that he found this on me. Living with fibromyalgia. Muka As berkerut when he mentioned this to me. What is that on earth? Until he asked me to go back and google about this. (just click here to know more about fibromyalgia)

And it fits perfectly with all the symptoms!

Sebab selama ni penat As duk buat imaging kat badan ni nak check apa masalah dia exactly. Did I have PID on my spine. Did I have any tear in the knee. Mintak tolong radiologist buatkan ultrasound for shoulder joint jugak.

Mintak tolong staffs buatkan MRI dan sebagainya. Hoho. Penat je As tido dalam MRI. But at least I know that my cervical disc are all degenerating now. But I do think Im too young for this. Heh.

Yang paling best, surgery done but nothing happens. Malah makin worst. Semua sebab fibromyalgia. Ces. hehe. Akhirnya dapat jawapan kepada persoalan.

Yes, ini kali pertama as menulis tanpa explain pada kalian setiap medical terms. As mintak maaf. Dengan semua apa yang as belajar selama ni, as curious nape semua imaging modalities takleh nak show fibromyalgia in the images. MRI which specially design for soft tissue pun tak boleh show. Ultrasound lagilah tak jelas. CT scan etc tu lagilah jauh sekali.

But functional MRI (fMRI) boleh usha what is in the brain of fibromyalgia sufferer. How the brain response, and how the pain regulate. Macam sangat menarik. But, we dont have fMRI yet in Malaysia. Haih. That is such an interesting study. Cuma risau susah nak dapat data kat Malaysia sebab memang tak ramai yang sakit macam ni, dan tak ramai doctor aware to diagnose this. Acceptable lah, sebab rare. Dah jadi bias in study.

The same goes with the imaging using SPECT (single photon emission CT). Sama macam fMRI, die tetap study brain of the suffferer, where the blood flow is higher, and each region tu of course indicate different things. Tahla. As just suka cardiac imaging je when it comes to SPECT. The same goes to MRI, as lebih minat cardiac MR. Memang sangat best.

Dan as rasa sangat tah pape, sebab this is not my style of writing. I did not show my emotion directly this way, especially in this blog. Yosh...ape sudah jadi..wiiii...

8 July 2010

When Mum asked you to get married

Never speak about this. Never touch on this issue. In this memorable blog of mine.
This, such a big issue, for me as a woman.
And when Mum asked me to get married.

Mum asked me to get married.
Mum thought I already have someone special.
Mum thought that I rejected men who came to me.

"Sape2 yang baik datang pada kita, terima jelah seadanya. Tak perlu pilih-pilih sangat."

I said, Im in pain 24/7. I don't want to burden anyone close.

"Is your sickness make your friends doenst want to befriend you..?"

And...im speechless..
Lifetime sickness, terrible pain 24/7. Emotional distress due to the pain. Pressure in life because of inevitable bad day. I burden those who close to me a lot, even those who didnt. The list will go longer..

Im a healthcare practitioner, I learn patient care, patient psychology and all..it should be me, the first who understand and accept my condition with ease at heart. But Im frustrated with those who cant accept me with this condition.

It makes me, to say, 'I am your mistake, please stay away.'

Conversation ended when Mum said,
"Berdoalah, moga Allah berikan seseorang yang baik."


7 July 2010

The mess we are in

Status
Title

This is the mess we are in
when the title given in front of your names
being as something which would make you to be treated as God.

Oh please !