Life turnover

Little sweetheart, whom I really wish he won't grow up :)

I believe, our perception towards life would turn 360 degrees once we have our own child.

Dia hadir dalam hidup kami kira-kira tahun 2009. Kakak meminta ibu menjagakan si kecil ni di rumah ibu. Sejak itu saya berhidup dengan dia. Saya kerap pulang ke rumah kerana rindukan dia. Saya sanggup berjaga malam untuk dia. Saya menangis bila dia kesakitan. Saya menjerit haru bila badannya biru. Saya rasa kehilangan dunia bila dia berhenti bernafas buat seketika.

Kehadiran dia cukup membuatkan hidup saya turn for at least 270 degrees. Ibu banyak mengajar saya tertib menjaga bayi, perkembangan bayi dan sebagainya memandangkan ibu mengambil kursus khas penjagaan dan pendidikan awal bayi/kanak-kanak. Saya banyak belajar pelbagai details tentang bayi. Itu antara ilmu tak ternilai yang saya dapat sepanjang dua tahun ini, melalui pengalaman/praktikal sendiri. Tambah pula pada umur yang sudah begini, maksud saya umur yang lebih akan menjiwai kasih sayang pada seorang anak. Yup, saya menyayangi seperti anak sendiri.

Bukan itu perkara utama yang mahu saya kongsi. Sebenarnya kehadiran si kecil memberi saya satu erti lain yang sama tak ternilainya. Menjiwai penghargaan pada ibu dan ayah. Saya selalu ingat ayat yang selalu ibu bisikkan sambil tersenyum,

"Now you know how hard it is for us to raise you up."

Saya senyum. Dengan kehadiran dia menjadi wasilah (cara) untuk saya sentiasa berfikir dalam tentang pengorbanan ibu dan ayah. Banyak mengubah cara saya menunjukkan penghargaan, cara saya ketika mahu meninggalkan rumah dan sebagainya. Dia adalah satu hikmah.

Tiada apa yang menyenangkan hati seorang ibu melainkan melihat anaknya mendahulukan Allah dalam tiap perkara. Saya kira itulah balasan terbaik yang mereka mahukan, doa yang tidak putus daripada anak-anak yang soleh solehah.

Saya hanya mahu menyeru, berbaktilah kepada kedua ibu bapa tika mana wajahya masih dapat kita lihat di depan mata. Tunjukkanlah rasa kasih kita, rasa sayang kita. Luahkanlah rasa penghargaan, ucapan terima kasih dan permohonan maaf kita tiap kali mahu meninggalkan rumah. Kucuplah pipi ibu pipi ayah, dahi ibu dahi ayah. Peluklah erat tika mana dia masih mampu membalas pelukan kita.

Jangan biar masa berlalu sebelum sempat ibu dan ayah merasakannya. Jangan nanti ibu dan ayah pergi diambil Allah ke alam abadi tika jiwa kita yang masih lalai akan tanggungjawab terhadap mereka.

Moga Allah mengampuni atas segala kekhilafan saya sebagai seorang anak. Jua sebagai seorang hamba yang sentiasa lupa.

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Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku,

cucurilah rahmat dan kasihilah kepada kedua ibu bapaku

seperti mereka mengasihi dan menyayangiku sewaktu aku kecil

Ya Allah

rendahkanlah suaraku bagi mereka

perindahlah ucapanku di depan mereka

lunakkanlah watakku terhadap mereka dan

lembutkan hatiku untuk mereka..

Ameen.

Healing

Healing, a photo by As ||| on Flickr.

With regards to what been suggested by my clinical psychologist, to write a personal letter/card to my dear lecturers explaining on my condition from heart to heart. Thus here it goes, an open letter being shared here, if ever it could give you some thoughts.
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This is a letter from a chronic pain student to a teacher.

Dearest ______________,

May this letter reach you in the best of health and iman. Amin.

Where do I begin? Such speechless I am.

In the words of Albert Pike, "What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal." His words apply well to the teachers, whose work lives long after they leave this world. Their values continue to live through their students.

I can’t thank you enough for the guidance and care you give. I know you put a lot of time and effort for me and hope you know how much I appreciate it. I hope I can do the same for someone else someday. Thank you very much for all the hard work!

As you already know that I am diagnosed with a chronic pain called fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS). Words which really change my life as I need to learn to hold myself from doing most of the things I used to do. The pain is in me 24 hours a day and it is varied. Also it would not wait for anyone nor forgive anyone.

I maybe could walk to you today, but tomorrow maybe I could not even get up from bed. Your classes or session with you is really important to me as I will fight hard, not even to get up and walk to the class, but also to stay being seated in the class. If you see me wandering around in the class, I apologize. Fibromyalgia will also affect the memory (fibro fog), this may be due to sleepless nights I guess. If you asked a theory and I could not answer, I apologize too.

“But you don’t look sick.” That’s the phrase I used to hear from others. Yes, I am in fact struggling inside in order to get myself to function normally like my other classmates. All the assignments, tasks, clinical practice or even practical session with you, I do it all will all my strength and efforts. That is the best I can do with my condition at the moment even though the end result would not be as great as your expectation. But please know that, that is the most excellent end result I could give with the pain, exhaustion and depression I suffer at the time.

As fibromyalgia is associated with depression, I am now being really dependent on anti-depressant to help my moody cloudy days to be better. It would be much hurt to think who I am before I suffer the chronic pain. But still my personal doctor, my psychiatrist and clinical psychologist are trying hard to help me cope with the pain emotionally and to be positive towards others. I am still trying to train myself right now. Thus I apologize for every single word or action which might have hurt you along these 4 years.

For any tests, practical exam, viva or written exam, I am studying hard whenever I can. But sometimes the pain does not permit me to even get up to revise before the exam, or either too painful till I could not perform as expected in the session. Please know that, I already give out all my best in all the examinations, as much as I could, as much as I could fight despite of the pain. I apologize for not performing in your subjects, but that’s already the best I can do.

Being sick, suffering of a chronic pain at this young age and in need to strive hard academically, I am actually already going beyond the border of my body limit till I suffer great pain and exhaustion every day, especially in completing any tasks given.
I love this course and I would love to be working in hospital as a radiographer. But then with this disease, I’m in need to sacrifice my dream and channel them to other things. I would not stop my study here but will try hard to further up, if not in this field, in other fields. I will survive, inshaAllah.

As my parents always remind me that teachers are like own parents and honored to be treated so. I myself trying hard to put these words into actions. My heartful thanks for you to bear with me whom suffer chronic pain, to the end point of this degree studies. For all my mistakes especially those been done unintentionally due to pain and depression, I seek for your forgiveness.

My parents, ibu and ayah send you ‘assalamu’alaikum’ and their personal thanks to you for looking after me here. The fact remains that we can never thank a teacher enough. The recognition and appreciation the teachers deserve is beyond words.

Carl Jung says, "One looks back with appreciation to the brilliant teachers, but with gratitude to those who touched our human feelings. The curriculum is so much necessary raw material, but warmth is the vital element for the growing plant and for the soul of the child."

MY BIG THANKS and APOLOGIES. I wish you the best in your future academic undertaking. Always, always with my prayers for your whole life and may Allah reward you here and in the hereafter.

And please do not worry, I will be strong and stay strong forever!